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It is the evening before I have to wake up at 4AM to catch another flight to California. I can't sleep. I wish that I could really get right with my upcoming move. I went after this opportunity full force. I did the work, and the negotiating, to make it happen. Yet, here I sit full of dread. At this point, I suspect I went so hard after this opportunity based solely in pride, and ego. Bad combo.
So, I am attempting to dissect my thoughts to get to the core reason I am so hesitant. I keep telling myself, and everyone else, that the cost of living scares me. There is a price for nice weather, mountains, coastline, environmentally friendly, 420 friendly, and a liberal pocket. It is expensive, but I can afford it. I have done the math, and so expense is now an excuse. So, here is the real reason: I am afraid. I will not be able to jump into my truck and drive 2.5 hours to see my mother. She is all I have left family wise. She had a cryo-abaltion surgery last year on her heart. My brother is dead, so it is just us two. I am very, very close to this woman. Being close enough to visit anytime is something I have gotten used to, and so has she. She called me tonight, and I could hear it in her voice. Besides that she flat out said "I don't want you to go.". There is no doubt how she feels about this situation. It makes it harder on me. The second part of this is that I have no real support system out West. I have a couple of friends from high school in Cali, but I can't count on that like the back up I have here. It is going to be lonely. All of the make new friends skills I have are reserved for Second Life I think. It does not help that the houses I have lined up to look at are pretty much secluded homes up in the hills. Thirdly, all the weird shit happens in Cali. Seriously...can you say Manson Family?
Cross your fingers folks...it is going to be a bumpy ride.
